We are very close to a prosecution, ”Detective Superintendent Heart" told the the "Soul" of Corrine last week, upon announcing the $1 million reward of love hearts and self protection to herself, it's DO or DIE now said the heart. Keep hiding or start talking; live or die! The journey to find your personal worth will begin with the reward of freeing yourself from behind the bars of your mask, truth telling is your key to unlock all that is within and the journey to self enquiry.
The journey is steady at first, until the fire unravels deep within and the feelings of shame and guilt burn with a painful ache, so tender the hurt, that starting to re open the wound seems foreign and strange so there are prolonged episodes of self sabotage that come in many forms. What I have learned after many years of self enquiry is that when you have been a selfless sister, the one who is always there for others, the one to pick up the pieces of your parents continuous mistakes and the one who overtly and vehemently protects the feelings of others she loves at the determinant of herself, she is the one that needs the reward of self protection.
What unravels is that maybe just maybe differing from her own problems prolongs actually feeling them. When you have been at war with yourself for so long, your battle scars of self abandonment run deeper than the blood pumping in your veins. Is one person's life worth more than the other? Do you have to give up on yourself to ensure your army of closely following soldiers are protected - whilst you stand on the firing line ready to battle yourself?
As life progresses, the stakes get higher and the reward for love exuberant, especially when one has spent an entire lifetime destroying herself, feeling unworthy and wounded beyond what society deems 'normal'. The guilt overwhelms and the fear creeps into your pounding heart beyond comprehension. Pain and shame became her armour, red lipstick coupled with stiletto heals and expensive designer clothes her war paint, alcohol and risky behaviour her handbag bible. Don't feel - numb the pain, each drink washes over her and loosens up her inhibitions she would wear superhero capes to hide her addictions and running from uncomfortable situations to avoid actually 'feeling' until eventually it becomes time to investigate within...
So she does and the heart aches and the heart breaks.
It's heart ache to the soul but to stay stuck in the mud of her pain would be personal homicide, a loose rope around her neck slowly tightening every time self neglect wins the race. Protection no longer seems imminent and you become a high-risk person of interest to your people and most importantly to yourself. Self abandonment is 'personal homicide' and she feels an awakening inside that she has been self harming her entire existence. Profound but very sad. Tears pour out of her eyes and the salty drops fall into her mouth, she can taste her pain, shame, guilt for the first time in an eternity because hiding in addiction means she was hiding from herself and she couldn't cry even if she wanted to.
Stuck like a baby pig in shit, deep in the quicksand and the fear of 'unbecoming' all that she has become. The unravelling feels foreign but warm, dirty and shameful at first, but warm nonetheless. Eventually being stuck in the mud of your life, forces the journey to search your true feelings and being stuck without tools in her arsenal, there is nowhere to hide. Time passes and slowly the wet mud that held you down starts to dry, it's less heavy than before, itchy and uncomfortable on your skin until she unravels in all that mud, sliding left and right, forward and back, slippery and scared but still moving, that's all she needs to do, move. Not walk nor run but move in the uncomfortable feelings of her life. This is the journey of love.