When I was a little girl, I dreamed that everything would come easy, that I would make a wish in my wishing well of dreams and all of the good in the world would come flowing in like a flooded day dream. But now I am not so little, those big girl pants aren't as dreamy as my naked baby bum and its time to get big girl real.
Abundance has me thinking, YES I feel called to do spiritual work, to make the best intentions, to show the universe I am serious, but am I clear? Absolutely not..
My call for abundance is never clear thus in turn leads to a road of stop signs, a road less travelled, a busy road of insane blockages.
Is it even realistic to expect to earn a living from my studies?
Or: Better still. It's not spiritual to charge for my work!
Or: The biggest one for me is my emotional eating.. I sit, I meditate and I pray to my universe, my mother nature mentor, my spirit people - to help me with the will not to eat my children's leftovers, not to pick as I'm cooking dinner, not to have a fucking stupid disagreement with my husband and head straight for the pantry to devour anything sweet and arse bearing to inhale, to just sit in my shit and smash the old limitless beliefs that permeate my old consciousness but somehow always seem to show up in the new rewritten book of me.
So the life changing question of abundance that I pose still baffles me, because honestly I still to this day ask for one thing and do another and it's fucking insane.
I've spent years begging the abundance gods for answers but yet somehow I'm hitting the scales at umpteenth kilos and dropping down to a shell of myself once again. Answers please..
I've paid phycologists, healers and everyone in between to help me find my abundance. To help the belief - I am worth all that I ask for but again and again 'Sally Sabotage' knocks on my door and tears me down one Tim Tam at a time.
Why do we still believe in fear over the love we have inside? Abundance is my life learning that requires my most work.
So its time to honour the shadow not just the light. I have never honoured it, I need to find within the answers and love it anyway.
My old belief is that food was protection, it made me feel safe when my dad walked out on us and choose a life of drugs and crime. I've been a closet eater, binge eater, laxative taker, starvation bandit but that's old and it's time to find a new storyline.
One where I have made 3 beautiful little lives, stretch marks and all.
Universe I scream out loud and I scream up high, no longer will I hold my head low and cry, I hold you high, up to the sky, universe help me hold my head up high.