Roller coaster ride
All my life I have struggled with the idea of feeling ‘normal’ and I knew that something just wasn't right. Why I ever doubted this was a crazy notion in itself, considering my abusive childhood. I was deeply wounded and no substance was going to fix it. A 10 year lesson to learn and at times, one I fall back on.
At age 18 I was diagnosed with severe depression & anxiety, although I know I had it from a very early age - as my struggles with food & using it for protection started as soon as dad left. For the next 12 years, I was in and out of hospital due to almost overdosing on drugs and alcohol, depression, an addiction to laxatives & weight loss pills and a very dangerous relationship with food.
For most of this time I was unable to function, would be a total mess for work and I felt a sense of abandonment and loneliness so strong that I didn't care if I lived or died. I just wanted to feel loved and looking back now, I realise the only person to take that loneliness away was me.
At the age of 24, I all but ran away from my troubled and hugely dysfunctional family. I always had that sense of adventure and was a very fun, free spirited girl deep down, my circumstances affected that but I knew I always wanted to fly high.
See you later Sydney, hello London town. This was it I went and spent 3 years in London, 1 year in Canada and a further year in South America, Central America and the USA. Id love to say it was a spiritual experience but it was 5 years of partying TOO hard. I had so much fun and wouldn't change it but I was still lost, still lonely and still looking for love.
Fast forward 7 years and 3 bubbas later I can tell you that they are the angels that have saved me. I have spent my whole life trying to please others and make people like me, it never worked, not for a single day so I decided the only way to live is to heal my inner child for my own children’s happiness. I am not going to be an outcome of my parents mistakes, I am going to break the cycle, I am going to be authentically me, share the good, the dark & the light.
So here I am, in all my rawness, a shining star, a diamond in the rough.
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.