THE LOVED HEART
The damaged beautiful me.
Round and round it goes. A broken record inside a churning head. Self-doubt creeping and crawling it's way around my body like a familiar itch. The anger that can't be tamed, my children the receiver of my mischief mind.
At the age of 5 my father left and never returned. From then on, I almost always felt abandonment before love. For the next 20 years I was subjected to daily verbal, emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my step father and mum was taken away in that cycle also. Abandonment has always been my achilles heal.
I have taken on the role of the parent to both of the people that I so desperately needed to guide and nurture me.
This has caused my ‘inner child’ deep neglect. My innocent inner child had no self confidence, self belief and self love - forever dispensing unsolicited advice and fear inside my head.
A dizziness to be more like her and less like…me. To come down off my pretty little rainbow, where I dream of happy endings and be less of this and more of that. To be ALL OF everything that I'm not.
A life of 'comparing & picking’ myself apart gets tiresome but yet I go back to that familiarity often. These limiting beliefs move me away from my centre.
Self abandonment is all I ever knew. It keeps you small and living in fear. It makes you live life being a dulled down shade of me and keeps me living in the darkness of my past. But my happiness is more important than my darkness and I truly honour both. So I try to start each day with an ‘attitude of gratitude’.
Interrupt expectation with appreciation. Instead of expectation and using the word ‘should’ - (the ugliest word in the human dictionary) I can snuggle up to the idea that everything is where it should be and as it should be.
My calling is to be AUTHENTIC + VULNERABLE and to live a life out loud so others can show their true authenticity to the world.
Before I woke up, I was hurting myself, my innocent babies and others around me. I will never be the ‘perfect person’ or ‘perfect parent’ and my children will never be the ‘perfect children’. They will be who they want to be and not what I want them to be.
I devote my time to slowly tackle the inner obstacles to becoming a conscious parent. I owe that to my children and to my god. I remain incredibly humbled and in awe by the profound opportunity that raising children and being a mother offers me.
My pain will become my children pain unless I go deep within and heal all that is unresolved in my heart.